Slotherhouse (2023) There are no Dumb Ideas, Only Terrible CGI (Review)

Picture the three toed Sloth. A majestic creature, slow yet steady, hanging from tree branches with docile confidence, basking in their South American forest environment, munching on leaves with a strong murderous rage in their heart. Oh yes, according to this movie, Slotherhouse, Sloths are natures number one adaptive predator and if one improbably ends up in a house full of battling sorority girls, you better believe their plan is to slice and dice.

Bouncy sorority nobody Emily is starting senior year and yearns for actual and online popularity, specifically the position as sorority president in the place of bitchy mean girl Brianna. Her desperation for likes leads her to an animal trafficker and a recently poached Sloth, who she nominates as house mascot and christens Alpha, much to the joy of her housemates. At first Alpha shows no sign of a murderous nature, but displays extraordinary skills of adaptation, mastering mobile phones and laptops with speed and it isn’t long before the steady murderous dispatch of Emily’s housemates in various grizzly ways begins. Emily’s popularity increases thanks to her new furry friend, but as the election approaches, will she be able to beat Brianna to the tiara, or will Alpha turn the place into a ‘Slotherhouse’ (yes, I did it, I made that joke. So did someone in the film, with equal cringiness) where no one gets out alive?

Slotherhouse – where do I start? Ultimately, its incredibly watchable and passed the mobile phone pick up test. The film isn’t really trying to make a point about poaching or wild animal ownership – it just rests on the premise that Sloths are bad ass and want to kill you. Simple as that.

As a ‘animals gone bad’ genre film, Slotherhouse is superior in form to Sharknado, or Lake Placid, it’s a good old-fashioned slasher with all the pre requisite tropes. Instead of a crazed ex boyfriend or forgotten psycho sorority sister doing the slashing, it’s a Sloth. The setting is adequate, the acting is generally good and the music really knocks it out of the park. Seriously, I’d expect this soundtrack in a film with much more gravitas, so a round of applause for musician Sam Ewing (with the exception of the pop track ‘Alpha’ over the credits – too much). Writer Bradley Fowler apparently penned Slotherhouse after trying to come up with the ‘dumbest idea’ he could think of and by the time you wonder why the writing is jumping around to erratically, you have the measure of the film and it no longer matters.

Alpha the Sloth and the movie in general gets a big tick for employing practical effects. Despite the animal looking a bit ratty, it’s claws dripping with blood look much better than anything CGI could manage. Sure, a Sloth managing to post a selfie just as it’s about to kill a restrained victim requires a leap of faith, but at least it’s not computer rendered like so many genre counterparts. Despite being set in a college town in America, a lot of the cast are English with strong soap opera heritage – our protagonist Emily is played by Lisa Ambalavanar (formally of Doctors), her rival Brianna is played (excellently) by Sydney Craven (Eastenders) and the tipsy Miss Mayflower by Brit comedienne and actress Tiff Stevenson, all with excellent US accents and performing their socks off. Far be it from me to besmirch our American friend’s approach to schlocky animal horror movies, but I think that this is what gives the film it’s knowing nature, these actors have their tongues so firmly in their cheeks it hurts.

I can’t say I ever thought I’d watch, let alone enjoy the story of a murdering Sloth butchering sorority girls, but now it’s happened, I’m all for it. Let’s go nuts, what about a knife wielding wombat? A psycho goldfish? In the right hands, it can be done, Slotherhouse has taught me that no one should hold back. After all, there’s no dumb ideas, only terrible CGI.

David’s Archive – Slotherhouse (2023)